2021 Game Previews – Duke versus UNC

I’m doing a little something different this week for my game preview. Because I despise UNC so much, I cannot and will not engage in any sort of objective breakdown of what to expect on Saturday. I will only state the obvious facts which are more fully set forth below. In brief, Duke will win. And I will tell you how the Blue Devils will do that in a post inspired by one overlooked classic internet comedy bit – Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force giving you his stone cold lock of the century of the week. Be it “Carl’s Pissed”, “Carl” or the ESPN Radio bit “Stone Cold Lock of the Century of the Week”, this segment was perfect. Carl would make predictions each week, the reasons behind his predictions and would also generally discuss what had pissed him off. The first season when he predicted the Giants would beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl (which they did) was comedy perfection. It’s time to honor the legend. You can watch a few segments at the end of the post. Sorry if they’re a little dated.

That said, the only serious analysis I will do relates to our inability to use timeouts in two minute situations. I think it’s costing us chances to put more points on the board late. So, with that in mind, here’s my take on Saturday’s game. Just imagine a football themed musical arrangement playing in the background as you read this …

It’s Week 5 of the College Football Season and that means one thing, Rivalry Week. It’s that magical time of year when, just before midway through the season, some teams play their biggest rival instead of waiting for the end of the season when bowl games, conference championships and trips to the College Football Playoff are on the line. That means Duke goes to Chapel Hill to deliver a beatdown to North Carolina.

And I know what you’re saying, “There’s no way the Blue Devils can beat the Tar Heels. Look what happened last year.” First and foremost, shut up about that. Just keep in mind that this team was a Jump Pass away from beating the Tar Heels four years in a row back in 2019. And we have a new offensive play caller who is putting up four touchdown games like it’s nothing. That’s exactly why you bypass the former running back with almost a decade of offensive coaching experience in favor of a former walk-on safety who never played an offensive snap in college. Anther example of underappreciated brilliance from our offensive guru head coach.

But I digress. Here’s why Duke can and will win this game. To begin with, we have a quarterback in Gunnar Holmberg. And I don’t mean “quarterback” in the strictest dictionary sense of the word like we’ve had from time to time in seasons past, I mean a real quarterback. With a name like Gunnar, you’re going to do one of two things in life – be a starting quarterback or be a special ops assassin for a government program of dubious legality ala Jason Bourne. Gunnar Holmberg is doing what he was born to do. And he proved it last week when he tackled that Jayhawk defender who thought he had a pick 6. Gunnar ran that guy down and went a little Jason Bourne on that guy and it was beautiful.

But it ain’t just Gunnar. We got a tough as nails tight end in Nicky Dalmolin. And when I say he’s tough as nails, I mean it. I met that kid’s mom at the Kansas game last week. She was so excited to see me that she slapped me right on the chest. And did I get hurt? You bet I did. But it wasn’t too bad. It only took an ER admission followed by five rounds of morphine and a brace for my sternum fracture and I was back in the stands cheering on our beloved Blue Devils. Look, Nicky got “get your game face on” slaps from his mom growing up and while he may have broken the occasional collar bone, he learned two valuable lessons: 1) don’t surprise a lady in line at the concession stand; and 2) be tough. There’s a reason that kid held onto the ball despite the missed PI call against Northwestern. Throw Nicky the ball and let him run through the Tar Heel defense so we can ring the Victory Bell to the sound of a bunch of crying Carolina fans.

And it isn’t just our players, it’s our coaches. We have David Cutcliffe and they have Mack Brown. What has Mack Brown ever done besides winning more than 260 games as a head coach, a national title and a couple of Big 12 championships … Okay, the Tar Heels may have an edge there. But David Cutcliffe is just as good at not winning ACC Championships and disappointing fans as any coach in the league, Mack Brown included. Did you know Mack Brown has never won the ACC? He hasn’t and it wasn’t just his first time in Chapel Hill when Steve Spurrier was taking photographs under the Keenan Memorial Stadium scoreboard.

But enough about Mack Brown’s underperforming distant history. What has Mack Brown done recently? Beat Virginia? Big freaking whoop. Beating a team whose fan base is made up of blazer and bow tie wearing, mint julep drinking losers who walk across “The Grounds” is meaningless. The Cavaliers need to go back to the cotillion where they belong and get off the gridiron.

And Carolina isn’t even losing to good teams. Georgia Tech? Pathetic. How can you lose to a team coached by a guy who can’t even spell his name right? Jeff with G? This is America – get with the program and stop trying to impress the Georgia Tech donor base by spelling your name with a G.

Look, I’m not saying this is going to be a blowout. Mataeo will fumble just enough to make the Tar Heels think they have a chance before breaking a long run for a touchdown on a beautiful Graham Barton pancake block which will seal the game for Duke. And if you say one negative thing about Mataeo and his ball control issues, I will come to your house in the dead of night and sue you like a Tar Heel football player suing a public university over the lousy education he received.

After the Blue Devils win, we’re all meeting at Porter Wilson’s house to party. I love watching that guy punt a football. It’s hard to believe a guy with that moustache-mullet combo doesn’t come on the field with a beer in one hand while taking a drag on a heater when it’s time to punt. Porter Wilson was genetically engineered to flip the field and party. And you know he’ll be partying on Saturday. But it ain’t just going to be him, it’s going to be the entire Duke kicking teams. We’ll celebrate with the finest beers that NIL checks can afford while dining on Charlie Ham’s signature dish – a rum ham. He’s been preparing that Rum Ham just for this game against the Tar Heels and it’s going to be … Wait … The Tar Heels are Rams … Rum Ham … Scratch the Rum Ham and get ready for a Ram Ham, baby – a ham basted not with brown sugar, but with the tears of Carolina’s wine and cheese fan base.

Ben Swain will have the Crying Jordan and the ceiling is the roof memes ready to flood the internet when the Blue Devils shock the world by beating the Tar Heels by a score of say, 52-9. We’ll pick a reasonable number of points for the Tar Heels offense to put up. Get ready for Duke to ring the Victory Bell for the first time since 2018 when Daniel Jones shredded the Carolina defense and got Larry Fedora fired. C’mon, Blue Devils, win this one and get us closer to a bowl game!

GO DUKE!