BullCityCoordinators

2021 State of the Program – Just Past Midseason Report

This has been a tale of many seasons for Duke. 2021 started poorly, very poorly, with a home loss to Charlotte. While many of us became concerned that loss would cost the Blue Devils bowl eligibility, a three game winning streak gave us hope that this team could squeak out a few wins here and there over the remaining eight and return to the postseason for the first time since 2018. But three straight conference losses have most of us thinking that a bowl just isn’t going to happen. When a team loses by more than 30 to its biggest rival and gets shut out, while giving up almost 50, to another division opponent, you don’t expect to go to a bowl. Add on another blown lead late against Georgia Tech, and there isn’t much reason for optimism.

So, what are we to make of team after seven games? Well, despite the 3-4 record, I’d argue that this team has a solid core. Let’s take a look at the offense first.

If I had to give out grades for each position, the running back gets an A+. The QB gets an A- (the low score is the result of the coaching staff using the QB poorly which I detail below). The offensive line gets a B+. Add in a decent receiving corps (we don’t have breakaway speed, hence the “decent” characterization), and any objective view of the offense has to be generally positive. I realize I didn’t give the receivers a grade. In lieu of letters, this unit gets a “P” for “Pass”. That isn’t a pun – I’m grading the receivers on a pass / no pass scale.

The defense, too, has improved during the season, particularly the defensive line. Despite a propensity to give up a lot of points (and there isn’t a way to sugarcoat that), this is an up-and-coming group that would accomplish more but for the fact that we remain in a 4-2-5 that everyone has figured out at this point. Could we try something different? Cutcliffe has been at the school for more than a decade, so why don’t we have more linebackers? How about we do something with three linemen and more safeties? Why not a 3-3-5? Anyway, I digress. Back to my point – I like a lot of the individual components on the defense, but this unit gives up way too many points. I don’t think it’s because the players are doing anything poorly, it’s just that the defense seems to be where the OL was last year – figuring itself out. We’re a developmental program. It happens.

As for the kicking teams, we have the best punter in the country. We have a good kicker, but Cut mismanaged the situation at UVA and cost us points. Seems like he probably lost the team with that. I don’t know for a fact that he lost the team, but they sure didn’t look the same after the missed field goal. Maybe I’m an idiot, but I can’t understand putting in a left-footed kicker to kick from the left hash. College football is all about emotion and momentum, and Cut flushed both down the toilet with that call.

If you take a look at the preceding paragraphs, you’re probably trying to comprehend how Duke managed to lose two close games to Charlotte and Georgia Tech and get blown out by UNC and UVA. Well, you’re not the only one. This isn’t like the Franks and Roof days where there was a lack of depth and talent. This team has enough talent that it should be able to be average enough to get six wins. So, why does this team look so bad? Why are we continuing to get blown out in conference game after conference game?

The only answer I have is coaching. This staff just isn’t getting much out of the players. I can’t say that the players aren’t trying to win every play or putting in the work because, unlike last year, it looks like they are doing everything they can to get a win each week (UVA game aside). Not counting my complaint about Cut benching Charlie Ham, here are Five Things that remain a problem for this team and have been since last season (if not longer):

Penalties. We get penalized way, way too much. My research has us at SEVEN penalties per game. That’s abysmal. And it screams a lack of discipline.
A mobile quarterback who isn’t running the ball. Why did we stop running Gunnar after the Kansas game? I get that you don’t want him to get hurt, but the yardage is there. Let Gunnar run the ball a few times. He looked real comfortable against Kansas, and while we can’t afford an injury, playing scared is playing to lose. And, checks notes, that’s sure what the Blue Devils are doing right now. Why is the offensive strategy built around fear? Well, let’s take a look at number three …
Not developing quarterback depth. What happened to the days of Renfree, Boone and Connette? Sirk goes down in 2016 and a future first round pick steps in. Since then? We’ve been afraid to run our quarterbacks because we don’t have depth at the position. I’m not sure why Luca Diamont isn’t playing, so I won’t comment on that, but I will say that the quarterback guru has hit a rough patch. For a guy who has produced so many NFL QBs to have so little depth at such a critical position is a damning statement about where the program is at year 14 of the Cutcliffe era.
The Blue Devils’ staff isn’t adapting. Twice this season Duke lost leads in the 4th quarter after retaking a lead. Why? Because the staff continues to employ the same defensive scheme that exposes our corners. Opposing teams figured it out and, just like not finding a way to cover the wheel route, our staff hasn’t. It’s the same with the offense. The predictability problems that started to seep in during the Daniel Jones era continue to haunt the program now. Cut has to go outside of his “people” and get someone with some fresh offensive ideas. Otherwise, we better get used to being at the bottom of the Coastal.
We have a retention issue. While watching some of the Clemson-Pitt game yesterday, I was surprised to learn that C. J. Spiller and Tajh Boyd are on the Clemson coaching staff. It surprised me because I didn’t know that players who were significant contributors could be a part of your team’s staff. Can someone explain to me why all of the players who played for Cutcliffe who now coach aren’t dressing up for the Blue Devils on Saturdays? Why don’t we have Anthony Boone, Takoby Cofield, Carlos Wray and Max McCaffrey on staff? You don’t think Braxton Deaver or David Reeves would come coach the tight ends? Those are guys who were key contributors and know what it takes to win in Durham. Are you telling me they wouldn’t help recruiting and player development?

To sum it up, I’m giving the team a C-. I expected struggles this season and didn’t expect more than 4 wins, so I won’t give them a D or an F. That’s just not fair because this was going to be a tough season. The conference schedule is brutal and we had to expect a down year.

That said, I didn’t expect the staff to find a way to give away two wins. I also thought that this group would play better against UNC and UVA. But those two games made one thing clear – the program is heading in the wrong direction. Duke isn’t suffering the kind of losses Virginia Tech has had this year – six points to West Virginia, three points to Notre Dame and five points to Syracuse. Those types of loses (which are what I expected from the Blue Devils) would tell me the team would learn from the close losses and start winning games next season. But we’re a long, long way from hope for the 2022 season. And it all goes back to coaching.

Let me know what you think in the comments or on Twitter.

Go Duke!

2021 Game Recap – Duke Loses (Yet Again)

I’ll be honest with you, I feel like this blog is turning into a form of therapy. I come here and vent my frustrations about a long-term relationship that is causing me a lot of pain, stress and worry. I’m not talking about my soon to be 18 year marriage, I’m talking about my relationship with Duke football. (The line about the marriage is a joke Been married for 18 years and we’re all good.) This loss may have been the worst since … Take your pick of one from last season. I don’t know how to begin to recap the fact that the Blue Devils put up a goose egg against UVA. But I’ll try.

Let’s get to Five Things.

Here are the Five Things I liked:

Um … Well … Let me just try and see if I can …
The game ended (h/t to Duke Rivals for that one).
The reasons not to make significant changes to the staff are all gone. I’ve been talking about trends a lot all season, and I’ll keep doing it, because the trends tell the story. And that story is that the rest of the ACC has moved in front of Duke. Since conference play started, the Blue Devils are 0-3 which continues a trend of mediocre conference play dating back to 2017 (I’ll give the 2016 team a pass because of all the injuries that season). If the administration cares about football, it can’t allow this to continue. Cutcliffe has shown that he can win in Durham, but his reluctance to make significant changes on the staff is holding the team back. The repeated losses, the margin of defeat and the ugly nature of a lot those losses means that Cut and his staff have allowed the program to crash and burn to the bottom of the Coastal. The staff isn’t capable of winning games. Changes have to be made.
The OL didn’t give up a sack until the second half (if memory serves).
That’s it — I’m all tapped out.

Here are the Five Things I Didn’t Like:

This game was so painful that I stopped watching at the end of the 3rd quarter which is something that I almost never do. I’ve been a loyal fan since I was a kid, but this was too much for me. The Blue Devils’ offense was so inept, the defense was completely unable to get a stop and the game was generally so painful that I couldn’t take it. I don’t how you come out and lay an egg like that after a close loss against Georgia Tech. My sense is that the staff lost control of the team. I’ll stand to be corrected on that, but the outcome speaks for itself. Pulling Charlie Ham will cause things like that to happen. Just saying …
Jeff Faris doesn’t understand situational football. I mean, what the heck were you doing? Duke is down 27-0 at the end of the first half (about two minutes to go) and has all of its timeouts. Gunnar throws underneath for 5 yards and a timeout is immediately called. Okay, but why? Why not just call a play and burn clock in the event that you aren’t able to get a first down? Then another 4 yard pass and it’s 3rd & 1 with 1:42 and you call … Another timeout? Are you trying to give UVA the ball with a lot of time to score? Well, if you were, great, because that’s what happened. And can we talk about the only good series you had in the 3rd quarter that you wasted by going huddle for a direct snap to Mataeo on 2nd down followed by a designed run on 3rd that everyone and their blind mother saw coming? Gunnar had been throwing great on that drive. How about keep calling Jontavis Robertson’s number?
Continued lack of discipline. Drops and penalties killed this team. Add in bad situational football and you end up getting a whooping. And that’s what that was. The Blue Devils got whooped and the sloppy play that has been a problem all season didn’t help.
The same old message. I’m sure Cut will take the blame for this and talk about how he needs to prepare the team better. He’ll say he knows what good football is. But is that message resulting in wins? Is it making the team better? Is anything changing? If we keep hearing the same thing week after week followed by the same result week after week, what reason do we have to believe that Cut is going to turn this around? Look, I love everything that Cut did for the program. I respect everything he did for the program. But we are knee-deep in Franks and Roof territory. Look at all the conference losses and the margin of defeat in those losses from the last conference game of 2018 to this season and you can see that we’re just as bad now as we were 20 years ago. I’d argue that the way Duke is losing now is worse than a lot of what we saw from Franks and Roof. And it isn’t acceptable if we care about football.
The Blue Devils are getting embarrassed. 38-7 against Carolina coming off of three straight wins. A tough loss to Georgia Tech followed up by a loss of almost 50. This is embarrassing. And it hurts.

Well, that’s it for a while because we have a bye next week.

Go Duke!

2021 Game Previews – Duke versus UVA

Duke sure started the season hot at 3-1, but that seems like a distant memory at this point. The Blue Devils are 3-3 after a blowout loss to UNC and another blown lead against Georgia Tech. Tailspin would be a generous way to describe the feeling most of us have at this point. Even the usually upbeat Section 17 crew was pretty pessimistic in its most recent podcast episode. But not me, I’m never one who comes off as a downer and assumes the worst will happen … Yeah, right. This is me we’re talking about.

For my preview this week, I’m going to turn to what I’ve been doing a lot of this season — trends. Since Bronco Mendenhall arrived at UVA in 2016, the Cavaliers have gone 34-34, made it to 3 bowl games and captured the Coastal in 2016. Even in UVA’s worst season under Mendenhall, a 2-10 campaign in 2016, the Cavs still managed to beat Duke. In fact, Mendenhall has never lost to the Blue Devils. Let that sink in for a minute – not even with Daniel Jones could Cutcliffe get a win against Mendenhall. While I like the players on this team a lot, the trends tell a story – Mendenhall is outcoaching Cutcliffe.

Can Duke win this game? Of course. The Blue Devils have a good offensive unit that can score points pretty consistently. A good QB, RB and WR corps (including recent usage of our TEs) can do a lot of damage. Duke’s defense is getting better each week which is another good sign. Factor in the improved OL and you have to think that our boys from Durham have a shot. After all, this UVA team has been pretty inconsistent all season. That said, the Cavs have a real good QB (again, so do the Blue Devils) and won two close games in two weeks. That’s important to keep in mind if this game ends up tight late. Good teams overcome. Bad teams find ways to lose (like repeatedly covering zero instead of conceding the FG to send the game to OT).

To cut to the chase, because I’m starting to feel like I say the same darned thing each week, I like Duke to hang in there, but for UVA to pull it out in the third or fourth. It will probably be like one of those games I grew up watching in the 90s. The Blue Devils would give me hope for a while, but then let the game slip away late. With that in mind, I’m taking UVA to win by a score of 38-27.

Go Duke!

2021 Game Recap – Duke Loses to Georgia Tech

My game recap is going to be a little abbreviated today because I missed a lot of this game thanks to a trip to VT to watch the Hokies play the Irish. Unfortunately for me, I caught the end of Duke blowing a fourth quarter lead to Georgia Tech to lose what should have been the Blue Devils’ first conference win of the season. I vented a lot of my frustration on Twitter after the game, so let’s go straight to Five Things.

Five Things I liked:

Despite going down 14-0 early in the game, Duke fought back and didn’t quit. The Blue Devils outscored Georgia Tech 27-17 after spotting the Yellow Jackets two scores. That tells me that this team doesn’t quit. And you need that during a season like this one.
Mataeo gonna Mataeo. 43 carries. 152 yards. 1 touchdown. 8 receiving yards. 2,000 plus total rushing yards in his career. Mataeo can ball.
The defense is getting better (wheel route notwithstanding). We got two picks. Despite a poor start to the season, the defense has shown an ability to make plays. (Capitalizing on them is another matter all together which we discuss below.)
I like being right. No, I’m not talking about predicting a loss. I’m talking about my early season prediction that the Blue Devils would lose a lot of close games but would show signs of life. That tells me while this season may be rough, things could well go differently for Duke next year. The real question is who will be around to lead the Blue Devils during what could be a season like 2012 was.
Our QB was 22/29 for 2 touchdowns. Sure, there was one pick at the end of the game, but that happens in those situations. With a guy who is that efficient under center, Duke should have a chance to steal a game or two during the second half of the season. But that probably won’t be enough to get us to a bowl which takes us to …

Five Things I Didn’t Like:

The Blue Devils gave up another 4th quarter lead. Just like with Charlotte, Duke had a chance to seal a win and, just like Charlotte, the defense didn’t hold. While some people who probably know a little more about football than I do have told me the defensive play call wasn’t a bad one, I’m not sure how, on third down, the DC leaves a corner in man coverage on a deep ball. Sure, a 36 yard toss for a TD isn’t easy, but college quarterbacks practice this. Plus, it seems like the Blue Devils always get beat in such situations, so why not drop 7 or 8 and be willing to give up the field goal to prevent the TD? Take it OT – the offense has played well. I don’t get it. I just don’t get it.
Rough day for a good kicker. I saw some players slip at times, so I’m going to chalk it up to just a bad day for Charlie Ham. Even Ross Martin missed some field goals now and then.
Why aren’t we giving Mataeo the ball on 4th and short? Looking at No. 2 of what I liked, he is pretty darned good and an effective player. Not letting Mataeo take the ball in those situations is really, really hard to comprehend. Play calling has been an issue all year and not letting your best back touch the ball in short yardage is a symptom of a larger disease. So, too, is not turning turnovers into points. And not giving your TE the ball enough. I could go on for a while, but I think you guys get the point. But speaking of Duke’s situational football woes …
This team could easily be 5-1, easily. Two blown leads in the 4th quarter has the Blue Devils trending downward and away from a bowl game. Better play calling has this team at 5-1. Losing close games the same way year after year indicates that coaches aren’t making adjustments, aren’t making changes and aren’t good at situational football. Good teams overcome, bad teams find ways to lose. The Duke coaching staff sure seems to be good at finding ways to lose. That might explain why less than 12,000 showed up to watch the Blue Devils lose.
Duke lost another conference game. The Blue Devils haven’t had a winning conference records since 2014 when Duke finished second in the Coastal with a 5-3 record. Let that sink in for a minute – 6 seasons with a losing conference record. That’s pretty bad no matter how you try and spin it. Last week I said look at trends and, when you do that, you see that the Blue Devils are not competitive in conference. To borrow an old phrase, you are what your record says you are and Duke’s conference record isn’t very good. How do you feel about your conference record, random fan?

Let’s hope the Blue Devils bounce back, because UVA won’t be easy.

Go Duke!

Interview – Bonus Episode with Robert Brickey

If you’re my age or older, you know who Robert Brickey is.

If you’re a youngster, you missed out. Robert Brickey was a great player at Duke who was a lot of fun to watch.

See? I told you he was fun to watch.

Turns out that Robert Brickey isn’t just a former Blue Devil basketball player, he’s also a Duke football fan. Robert was kind enough to take some time out of a Thursday evening to talk about basketball, the legacy of his jersey number, number 21, finances, life and football. This was a fun talk with a great Blue Devil. I know you’ll enjoy it as much as I did.

Listen here.

2021 Game Previews – Duke versus Georgia Tech

I tried to do an audio version of this, but it turned into me ranting and being a little too negative. So, with that in mind, I’m turning back to the written word. My preview will be short and sweet because there are really only two things that you have to look at coming into this game: 1) inconsistency from Georgia Tech; and 2) the larger trend for Duke.

Let’s start with Georgia Tech. Sure, they have been inconsistent. A loss to Northern Illinois, a win against Kennesaw State, a nail-biter against Clemson, a big victory against UNC followed by an embarrassing loss to Pitt screams inconsistency and a likely loss. But, while the Yellow Jackets have put together some bad losses, they have better wins and beat a UNC team that … you remember how that ended. Add to that the pattern of alternating losses and wins and you realize that Georgia Tech is on track to get a win on Saturday.

Now, let’s turn to the Blue Devils’ general trend since the 2019 season and why that’s important for Saturday – blowout losses in conference. Here’s what happened in 2019 – three blowout losses (defined as a margin of victory by the opposing team of at least 20 points) (and the Wake game could have been one but for DPJ’s play on the kicking teams):

Take a look at 2020 and we see the same general pattern:

I count a total of five such losses (BC by 20, UNC by 32, Georgia Tech by 23, Miami by 48 and FSU by 21). And 2021 is off to that same concerning trend with a 31 point loss to UNC.

All of this should worry us coming into Saturday. The coaching staff (notice I’m not saying anything about the players) are not able to field competitive games against ACC teams that have changed coaches in recent years. While other teams are moving forward, we’re still running the same bubble screens we ran when just getting to a bowl game was almost unheard of in Durham.

While Georgia Tech has been inconsistent, the inability of the Duke coaching staff to compete in conference has me thinking that Georgia Tech is likely to win this game, inconsistency issues notwithstanding. The Blue Devils have a chance and can pull it off, but not if we keep running WR screens, botching the Moore package and failing to let Gunnar run the ball. Until we get a different approach to the offense, expect the trends to continue.

My prediction – Georgia Tech 33, Duke 13.

But I want the Blue Devils, the players, to read this, get angry and use this as motivation to win. Make me eat my words, guys – I’ll be more than happy to do it. I’m rooting like crazy for you guys and won’t stop just because of a bad loss. Bull City Coordinators may be pessimistic, but we’ve still got your back.

Go Duke!

2021 Game Recap – The Real Game on Saturday

To try and get the terrible taste of the last game out of our collective mouth, I was going to post a video of my daughter scoring a goal in her soccer game on Saturday followed by her brother, the “referee”, celebrating with her, but I’d have to pay $84 to upgrade the website plan and I don’t want to do that. So, instead of a video, I’m doing another audio breakdown of the real game on Saturday. I hope you all enjoy it.

Go Duke!

2021 Game Recap – The Winning Streak Ends (Brutally)

Duke went to Chapel Hill. The Blue Devils lost. Despite a good first quarter, it got ugly. The same problems that have been hovering around this Duke team all season cropped up and it cost them – big plays, the wheel route, penalties and questionable situational football. We all saw it, so I won’t spend a lot of time wondering why we used Moore in short yardage instead of giving the ball to Gunnar or Durant. I also won’t spend a lot of time trying to figure out why we didn’t throw down field. Let’s just get to the Five Things and skip over the fact that we didn’t run Gunnar despite him having four rushing TDs against Kansas.

Five things I liked:

Let me see here … Not much on offense to like thanks to the lousy play calls discussed in Number 2 of what I didn’t like.
Defense got a lot of sacks, that was good.
We punted the ball pretty well.
I didn’t break anything at the house during the game and I didn’t throw anything, either. Am I becoming an adult?
My profanity was kept to a respectable minimum

Five things I didn’t like:

We lost to Carolina, so let me just say … F*&^%! F*&^%! F*&^%! F*&^%! F*&^%! F*&^%! F*&^%! F*&^%! F*&^%! F*&^%! F*&^%! F*&^%! F*&^%! F*&^%! MOTHER F*&^%#$!
Jeff Faris called the worst game for a Blue Devils team in a long, long time. And that says a lot. Gunnar wasn’t allowed to run and Faris botched the Moore package. Maybe there was some truth to that joke I made about a walk-on safety being allowed to call the plays? I’m not sure what the offensive strategy was, but Carolina loaded up the box after Durant burned them a few times and we never got the ball consistently to a TE. Why not try a screen to a running back? I don’t get it. I just don’t get it
We didn’t see a lot of Woods. He should have played a lot, lot more.
Oh, and back to Number 1 – F*&^%! F*&^%! F*&^%! F*&^%! F*&^%! F*&^%! F*&^%! F*&^%! F*&^%! F*&^%! F*&^%! F*&^%! F*&^%! F*&^%! F*&^%! F*&^%! F*&^%! F*&^%! F*&^%! F*&^%!
We’re 3-2 and 0-1 in conference. The rest of our schedule is BRUTAL. It’s going to be a long season for us if Faris keeps calling plays like this and we can’t figure out how to cover a wheel route.

Go Duke!

2021 Game Previews – Duke versus UNC (The Audio Version)

Miami Hurricanes Prepare for Duke Elite QB Daniel Jones — That’s Daniel Jones just casually reminding a few Carolina players that he was 3-0 against the Tar Heels.

All right, folks, because you all liked my last post so much, I’m releasing the audio version! I hope you enjoy it!

Go Duke!

2021 Game Previews – Duke versus UNC

Let us never forget this glorious moment of football history.

I’m doing a little something different this week for my game preview. Because I despise UNC so much, I cannot and will not engage in any sort of objective breakdown of what to expect on Saturday. I will only state the obvious facts which are more fully set forth below. In brief, Duke will win. And I will tell you how the Blue Devils will do that in a post inspired by one overlooked classic internet comedy bit – Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force giving you his stone cold lock of the century of the week. Be it “Carl’s Pissed”, “Carl” or the ESPN Radio bit “Stone Cold Lock of the Century of the Week”, this segment was perfect. Carl would make predictions each week, the reasons behind his predictions and would also generally discuss what had pissed him off. The first season when he predicted the Giants would beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl (which they did) was comedy perfection. It’s time to honor the legend. You can watch a few segments at the end of the post. Sorry if they’re a little dated.

That said, the only serious analysis I will do relates to our inability to use timeouts in two minute situations. I think it’s costing us chances to put more points on the board late. So, with that in mind, here’s my take on Saturday’s game. Just imagine a football themed musical arrangement playing in the background as you read this …

It’s Week 5 of the College Football Season and that means one thing, Rivalry Week. It’s that magical time of year when, just before midway through the season, some teams play their biggest rival instead of waiting for the end of the season when bowl games, conference championships and trips to the College Football Playoff are on the line. That means Duke goes to Chapel Hill to deliver a beatdown to North Carolina.

And I know what you’re saying, “There’s no way the Blue Devils can beat the Tar Heels. Look what happened last year.” First and foremost, shut up about that. Just keep in mind that this team was a Jump Pass away from beating the Tar Heels four years in a row back in 2019. And we have a new offensive play caller who is putting up four touchdown games like it’s nothing. That’s exactly why you bypass the former running back with almost a decade of offensive coaching experience in favor of a former walk-on safety who never played an offensive snap in college. Anther example of underappreciated brilliance from our offensive guru head coach.

But I digress. Here’s why Duke can and will win this game. To begin with, we have a quarterback in Gunnar Holmberg. And I don’t mean “quarterback” in the strictest dictionary sense of the word like we’ve had from time to time in seasons past, I mean a real quarterback. With a name like Gunnar, you’re going to do one of two things in life – be a starting quarterback or be a special ops assassin for a government program of dubious legality ala Jason Bourne. Gunnar Holmberg is doing what he was born to do. And he proved it last week when he tackled that Jayhawk defender who thought he had a pick 6. Gunnar ran that guy down and went a little Jason Bourne on that guy and it was beautiful.

But it ain’t just Gunnar. We got a tough as nails tight end in Nicky Dalmolin. And when I say he’s tough as nails, I mean it. I met that kid’s mom at the Kansas game last week. She was so excited to see me that she slapped me right on the chest. And did I get hurt? You bet I did. But it wasn’t too bad. It only took an ER admission followed by five rounds of morphine and a brace for my sternum fracture and I was back in the stands cheering on our beloved Blue Devils. Look, Nicky got “get your game face on” slaps from his mom growing up and while he may have broken the occasional collar bone, he learned two valuable lessons: 1) don’t surprise a lady in line at the concession stand; and 2) be tough. There’s a reason that kid held onto the ball despite the missed PI call against Northwestern. Throw Nicky the ball and let him run through the Tar Heel defense so we can ring the Victory Bell to the sound of a bunch of crying Carolina fans.

And it isn’t just our players, it’s our coaches. We have David Cutcliffe and they have Mack Brown. What has Mack Brown ever done besides winning more than 260 games as a head coach, a national title and a couple of Big 12 championships … Okay, the Tar Heels may have an edge there. But David Cutcliffe is just as good at not winning ACC Championships and disappointing fans as any coach in the league, Mack Brown included. Did you know Mack Brown has never won the ACC? He hasn’t and it wasn’t just his first time in Chapel Hill when Steve Spurrier was taking photographs under the Keenan Memorial Stadium scoreboard.

But enough about Mack Brown’s underperforming distant history. What has Mack Brown done recently? Beat Virginia? Big freaking whoop. Beating a team whose fan base is made up of blazer and bow tie wearing, mint julep drinking losers who walk across “The Grounds” is meaningless. The Cavaliers need to go back to the cotillion where they belong and get off the gridiron.

And Carolina isn’t even losing to good teams. Georgia Tech? Pathetic. How can you lose to a team coached by a guy who can’t even spell his name right? Jeff with G? This is America – get with the program and stop trying to impress the Georgia Tech donor base by spelling your name with a G.

Look, I’m not saying this is going to be a blowout. Mataeo will fumble just enough to make the Tar Heels think they have a chance before breaking a long run for a touchdown on a beautiful Graham Barton pancake block which will seal the game for Duke. And if you say one negative thing about Mataeo and his ball control issues, I will come to your house in the dead of night and sue you like a Tar Heel football player suing a public university over the lousy education he received.

After the Blue Devils win, we’re all meeting at Porter Wilson’s house to party. I love watching that guy punt a football. It’s hard to believe a guy with that moustache-mullet combo doesn’t come on the field with a beer in one hand while taking a drag on a heater when it’s time to punt. Porter Wilson was genetically engineered to flip the field and party. And you know he’ll be partying on Saturday. But it ain’t just going to be him, it’s going to be the entire Duke kicking teams. We’ll celebrate with the finest beers that NIL checks can afford while dining on Charlie Ham’s signature dish – a rum ham. He’s been preparing that Rum Ham just for this game against the Tar Heels and it’s going to be … Wait … The Tar Heels are Rams … Rum Ham … Scratch the Rum Ham and get ready for a Ram Ham, baby – a ham basted not with brown sugar, but with the tears of Carolina’s wine and cheese fan base.

Ben Swain will have the Crying Jordan and the ceiling is the roof memes ready to flood the internet when the Blue Devils shock the world by beating the Tar Heels by a score of say, 52-9. We’ll pick a reasonable number of points for the Tar Heels offense to put up. Get ready for Duke to ring the Victory Bell for the first time since 2018 when Daniel Jones shredded the Carolina defense and got Larry Fedora fired. C’mon, Blue Devils, win this one and get us closer to a bowl game!

GO DUKE!